Reflexiones del Cardenal

[Cartagena]

Ese le va a gustar a xana.

[xana]

[albatros]

UN VIEJITO BILLETUDO FUE A RECOGER A SU NOVIA Y CAMINO A LA CASA SE TOMÓ CUATRO VIAGRAS PARA IR ADELANTANDO PUES IBAN PARA UN HOTEL. YA EN LA CASA ELLA LE PRESENTÓ A LA FAMILIA Y DE PRONTO LA PORTAÑUELA DEL TIPO SE ROMPIÓ Y AQUELLO PARECIA UN ALIEN, SOLTABA CANDELA, ECHABA HUMO. EL TIPO SE LEVANTÓ COMO UNA FIERA, CON LOS OJOS BOTAO PA FUERA, LE LEVANTÓ LA SAYA A LA NOVIA Y LA ENGANCHÓ. DESPUÉS LE CAYÓ ATRÁS A LA SUEGRA Y LE DIÓ TAMBIÉN. SEGUIDAMENTE LE METIÓ MANO AL SUEGRO Y AQUELLO LE SEGUÍA ECHANDO HUMO, MUCHO HUMO. EL TIPO ENTONCES VA AL REFRIGERADOR PARA REFRESCAR AQUEL MONSTRUO Y NO ENCUENTRA AGUA. VE UNA JARRA CON LECHE Y METE EL APARATO EN LA JARRA DE LECHE Y LA ABUELA, QUE VE ESO, SE MANDA A CORRER EN SU SILLA DE RUEDAS GRITANDO DESPAVORIDA:

¡A CORRER QUE LA ESTÁ CARGANDOOO...!!!

[Cartagena]

[Cartagena]

CONFUSION EN EL FUNERAL
Eran dos pescadores, hermanos gemelos, uno soltero y el otro casado.
El soltero tenía una lancha de pesca, ya vieja, que era la herramienta con la que lograba su sustento.
Un día, muere la esposa del hermano casado y, como las desgracias no vienen solas,
la lancha del hermano soltero se va al fondo del mar.

Una viejecita del pueblo, curiosa , va a darle el pésame al viudo, Pero confunde a los gemelos y se dirige al que ha perdido la lancha.
- Recién me enteré. ¡Qué pérdida enorme! Debe ser terrible para tí.

- Sí, estoy destrozado, pero es preciso enfrentar la realidad. Debo reconocer que estaba ya vieja. La rajadura de adelante estaba tan grande que ya no había con qué llenarla y el agujero de atrás se agrandaba más cada vez que la usaba. Además estaba deformada al medio y no se le podía quitar el olor a pescado. La parte de atrás estaba bastante caída y las curvas de adelante casi habían desaparecido. Pero yo me siento culpable porque se la prestaba a cuatro amigos para que se divirtieran; les pedí que la usaran con cuidado, pero se montaron los cuatro a la vez y ella no aguantó.

A la viejita, muerta de un infarto, la enterraron al otro día.

[Cartagena]

.
Los Años
Un viejo tenía un lago en su finca.
Después de mucho tiempo, decide ir a ver si estaba todo en orden.
Cogió un cesto para aprovechar el paseo y traer unas frutas por el camino..
Al aproximarse al lago, escuchó voces animadas.
Vio un grupo de mujeres bañándose, completamente desnudas.
Al verlo, todas se fueron a la parte más honda del lago,
manteniendo solamente la cabeza fuera del agua.
Una de las mujeres gritó:
-¡No saldremos mientras usted no se aleje!
El viejo respondió:
-¡Yo no vengo hasta aquí para verlas nadar o salir desnudas del lago!
Levantando el cesto, les dijo:
- Estoy aquí para alimentar al cocodrilo....

Edad, experiencia y oficio siempre triunfarán sobre la juventud y el entusiasmo.


Llega un tipo a un hotel y pide habitación. El encargado le dice que sólo tiene una cama en un cuarto compartido, la cual nadie quiere porque el otro huésped ronca muy fuerte.
El fulano le responde que no hay problema y decide compartir la habitación.
A la mañana siguiente el encargado le pregunta si durmió bien.
- Perfectamente -responde.- ¡Muchas gracias!
¿Y el señor de los ronquidos?
- Mire, apenas entré en la habitación, le di un beso en la mejilla y una palmadita en la nalga; ¡y se pasó toda la noche con los ojos abiertos y con el culo pegado a la pared!

MORALEJA
No hay grandes problemas ... si no grandes soluciones


¿QUÉ ES EL ÉXITO?
Éxito es:

-A los 3 años,... no mearse.
-A los 6 años,... recordar lo que hiciste en el día.
-A los 12 años,... tener muchos amigos.
-A los 18 años,.... tener carnet de conducir.
-A los 20 años,... tener relaciones sexuales.
-A los 35 años,... tener mucho dinero.
-A los 50 años,... tener muchísimo dinero.
-A los 65 años,... tener relaciones sexuales.
-A los 70 años,... tener carnet de conducir.
-A los 75 años,... tener muchos amigos.
-A los 80 años,... recordar lo que hiciste en el día.
-A los 85 años,... no mearse.

Hay que joderse....
¡Las vueltas que da la vida!

[xana]

¿Quién inventó el triatlon?
Los gitanos: Van a la piscina andando y vuelven en bicicleta.

[Cartagena]

Pelayo y Albatros comentando la actualidad.

[Cartagena]

[lunazul]

Nice

[Cartagena]

El cuadro de la izquierda es un poster antique que me lo regalo mi amiga la Sikyud y su Boricua.
Lo he puesto en homenaje al Bori.

[xana]

Lo he puesto en homenaje al Bori.

Un gesto muy hermoso por tu parte

[Sikyud]

Carta y Xana, muchísimas gracias.

[Cartagena]

THE PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary.


Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything
else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
...

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey
did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[Cartagena]

[Cartagena]

[albatros]

Una señora de edad, muy admirada en el pueblo porque era la única profesora de piano y órgano, estaba cumpliendo 85 años. Recibe una llamada telefónica del cura del pueblo notificándole que la visitaría en la tarde para felicitarla por su cumpleaños. Cuando el cura llega a la casa de la anciana, se da cuenta de que sobre el órgano que tiene la viejita hay un jarrón de vidrio lleno de agua con un condón flotando. El cura no puede creer lo que ve y trata de disimular su asombro ante la viejita.

Cuando llevaban un rato hablando sobre todo lo que la viejita ha hecho en 85 años de vida y de haberse tomado dos cafecitos, el cura sigue atónito de ver el condón flotando en la jarra de vidrio, así que no aguanta más y decide salir de su curiosidad.
- Perdona hija pero, me podrías explicar ¿qué es eso? (Apuntando al jarrón).
- ¡Ahhh, claro que sí! ¡Es maravilloso! El año pasado estaba caminando por el pueblo y de pronto vi un sobrecito en el suelo que decía en letras muy pequeñas:
"Colóquelo sobre el órgano, manténgalo húmedo y prevendrá cualquier enfermedad"....
Y desde entonces, ni gripe me ha dado...

[Cartagena]

[orion]

Aparte de que la actuación es pésima, lo que me lleve del video es la idea del control absoluto que el gobierno quiere impartir en las mentes de los más jóvenes. En todo el video repiten y repiten otra vez que gracias al gobierno y su “tracking” es que santa Claus puede repartir sus juguetes. O sea que cuando venga el tiempo, también cada ciudadano tiene que dejarse poner un GPS en el culo para que todo el mundo este feliz y a salvo.


Coño ni en Cuba pudieran haber inventado mejor mensaje subliminal. Sin gobierno y su espionaje no hay juguetes ni felicidad.

[Cartagena]

Oye, que ya el GPS lo tienes, en el celular, en el carro, en las camaras.
Y portate bien o Santa ni los Reyes Magos te traeran oro.

[albatros]

Orion critica la "actuación". Este idiota parece que no sabe que no son actores, sino militares de verdad de NORAD. ¿Pero que se puede esperar de esta habitante...?

[albatros]

Lady: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes I do.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Guy: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Guy: $10.00 per pack.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Guy: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a day which puts your spending per month at $900. In 1 year, it would have been $10,800. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: If 1 year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending total at $162,000. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: Do you know if you hadn't smoke, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have by now bought a Ferrari?
Guy: Oh. Do you smoke?
Lady: No.
Guy: Then where's your fucking Ferrari?

[albatros]

A farmer brought a Rooster home. As soon as the rooster entered the farm, he started screwing all the 200 hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunch, Rooster screws all the 200 hens again.

The farmer is becoming uncomfortable and worried now.

The next day, he sees that the Rooster doing it to the ducks, geese & a goat.

Finally, the farmer sees the Rooster lying on the ground, weak and pale, half-
dead & vultures circling over it's head.

The Farmer rebukes him and says "You deserved it, you horny desperate idiot.!!

The Rooster opens one eye, and pointing towards the sky, says "Sssshh! Speak softly! I'm just waiting for them to land!"

[albatros]

[albatros]

Una mujer está recogiendo sus cosas pues se va para siempre de la casa, pero antes le escribe una nota al marido y se la deja encima de la cama. La nota dice:

-"Lo que ayer nos unió, hoy no se para..."

[albatros]

Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :

They enter the house and see a broken bottle and a man.

Man: I want to thank you. I am a genie who was trapped for 1000 years in the bottle. I will give you both 1 wish each, and I will keep 1 wish for myself.

Tom: I want a billion dollars!

Wife: I want a house in every country of the world. ??

Genie: Done. Done.

Tom : And what is your wish genie?

Genie: Well, since I haven't loved a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.

Tom said: Emm Ok! You're getting us a lot of money. I guess I don't mind. ??

The genie took the wife upstairs and slept with her for two hours.

After it was over he asked her: How old is your husband?

Wife answers: 35.

Genie: Really? And he still believes in genie stories

[albatros]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance,

say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[albatros]

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him. The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!":)

[albatros]

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how you can screw her: On Sundays, she prays at the local cemetery. While she is praying, dress as a pope and she'll have sex with you. Put on a mask, robes, and a lot of glitter."

That Sunday, the man takes the advice, gets into the costume and hides behind a gravestone. Shortly, the nun appears and prays.

The man pops out from the gravestone and declares, "I am the pope, and I command you to have sex with me."

The nun replies, "Sure, but only if we have anal sex."

So they have anal sex.

After sex the man rips off his mask and laughs, I'm not pope! I'm that man from the bus! Ha!"

Immediately the nun rips off her mask and says "Ha! I'm the bus driver!"

Nota: Por si no se la llevaron... el tipo era Gumersindo y el chofer de la guagua era Orion.

[orion]

Lo que es la chochera, mira que meterse a comediante aburrido despues de viejo. Algo parecido a la historia fallida de Larry King cuando lo votaron pal carajo de CNN

[albatros]

¿Qué pasa, Orion...? ¿Te dolió la entoyada en el cementerio...?

[Cartagena]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[albatros]

I went to the store today, I was only there for only 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket, so I called him a fucking wanker. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires, so I called him an asshole. He finished with the 2nd, he started writing a 3rd ticket! This went on for about 20 mins, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner

[albatros]

A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[albatros]

Repetido. Parece que el toro ganó otra vez...

[xana]

Brutal!!

[albatros]

‎"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a
very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It
will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.

Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the
same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same
operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life
that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word